DESC Communication Tool
D – Describe the behavior
E – Explain the effect of the behavior
S – State the desired outcome
C – Consequence: say what will happen if the behavior continues

Some people prefer to memorize the key words that represent this model because it gives them a
consistent structure to follow:
D
When . . .
E
I feel . . . because . . .
S
Therefore, I want/need . . .
C
So that . .

“When you tell me I’m expected to be at the get-together without consulting me first [Describing the behaviour], I feel disrespected and unimportant [name the feeling] because I think that I am not getting to have a say in decisions that affect me. I need to be involved in these plans in future [state desired outcome] so that I can make sure that we both get what we want [consequence].

Using these kind of “I” statements gets one out of blaming, and taking positions. It opens the door to more genuine communication.

Emotional Boundaries

A successful relationship is composed of two individuals each with a clearly defined sense of her or his own identity, our emotional boundaries …
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Articles/boundaries.htm – 25k –

Boundaries Introduction

Boundaries. What are They — Why do I Need Them. Enforcing appropriate boundaries is the single most powerful thing that you can do unilaterally to improve
http://www.bpd411.org/boundariesintro.html – 14k –

Developing Healthy Boundaries – Maggie Down, Counsellor

Cottesloe Counselling Centre in Perth, Western Australia. Counselling and psychotherapy for those experiencing personal, relationship and work related
http://www.cottesloecounselling.com.au/developing_healthy_boundaries.html – 20k –

Relationship Advice for Healthy Boundaries

Helpful relationship advice and resources for improving boundaries and restoring relationships. Links to resources to help with relationship difficulties
http://www.healthyboundaries.com/ – 18k –

Forgiveness

A successful relationship is composed of two individuals each with a clearly defined sense of her or his own identity. Without our own understanding of self
http://www.drbalternatives.com/articles/si7.html – 21k –

Boundaries & Relationships – Communication – Relationships

Where do you end and others begin? Do you believe that others are responsible for your feelings and behaviors and vice versa?
http://www.familyresource.com/relationships/communication/boundaries-and-relationships – 25k –

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships – John Cloud, PhD

1 Nov 2008 For those who are starting to venture out, here are some guidelines; they may save you some pain. The fact is that there are probably
http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a114.htm – 34k –

Boundaries Essential to Healthy Relationships | Santa Monica & Los

What are boundaries and how do they help relationships, how do they help us in everyday life. Licia Ginne, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
http://www.latherapists.com/articles_boundaries.html – 21k –

What Are Boundaries and Why are They Important?

If your life is filled with more of what you don’t want and not enough of what you do want, it’s time to set your boundaries.
ezinearticles.com/?What-Are-Boundaries-and-Why-are-They-Important?&id=124319 – 49k –

Relationship Deal Breakers – Non Negotiable Boundaries

How many relationship deal breakers do you have on your list? Do you even have a relationship deal breaker list? What about your now-dating teenage ch.
http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2008/01/relationship-deal-breakers-non-negotiable-boundaries.html – 78k

Setting Boundaries in Relationships

Setting Boundaries in Relationships By Judy H. Wright Platinum Quality Author. Judy H. Wright Level: Platinum Judy is a parent educator, family coach,
ezinearticles.com/?Setting-Boundaries-in-Relationships&id=212273 – 50k –

Boundaries

Telling all. I consider the other person’s level of interest and caring before opening up to them. Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting.
http://www.howard.edu/services/counseling/Boundaries.htm – 25k –

Boundaries: Respect in Relationships by D. Scott Miller -Youth

Teens can help foster healthy relationships by placing boundaries on their emotions, time, privacy and bodies.
http://www.americancatholic.org/newsletters/yu/ay0903.asp – 47k –

Establish Boundaries That Honor You.

Boundaries are imaginary lines that help you protect yourself both physically and emotionally. They keep other’s actions and behaviors from hurting,
http://www.mommd.com/settingboundaries.shtml – 32k –

About Boundaries

18 Sep 2004 Thoughts on personal boundaries, healthy and unhealthy personal relationships and about the power of healthy boundaries.
http://www.ybrt.org/bounder.html – 23k

Relationships : A Checklist on Boundaries in a Relationship

Heathly boundaries allow a person to experience comfortable interdependence with other people, resulting in generally functioning relationships and positive
http://www.yourpotential.net/3/5/A_Checklist_on_Boundaries_in_a_Relationship.html – 24k –

What are boundaries?

http://www.adfam.org.uk/pdf/adfam_setting_and_keeping_boundaries.pdf

What Are Boundaries? – Archive – parenting.org

As an adult, you should be familiar with the concept of boundaries. Boundaries are the limits you set for relationships. They help you to recognize what is
http://www.parenting.org/archive/tween/life_lessons/2003/Sep03_boundaries.asp – 22k –

Setting Healthy Boundaries: How to Say No, Yes, and Never – And
behavioural-psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/setting_healthy_boundaries – 38k –

BOUNDARIES AND RIGHTS

  • I have a right to be treated with dignity and respect.
  • I have a right to have and express all my feelings.
  • I have a right to take care of myself first if I choose to.
  • I have a right to be listened to and taken seriously.
  • I have a right to make mistakes.
  • I have a right to say NO! I do not need to justify myself or give reasons.
  • I have a right to say NO without feeling guilty.
  • I have a right to say NO to anything I feel I am not ready for.
  • I have a right to say NO to anything that violates my values.
  • I have a right to say NO to anything that I feel is unsafe.
  • I have a right to terminate conversations – because I want to – when I feel humiliated or put down.
  • I have a right to choose who to spend my time with.
  • I have a right to play and have fun.
  • I have a right to set limits for myself
  • I have a right to make my own choices and decisions.
  • I have a right to choose my own spiritual beliefs.
  • I have a right to physical and emotional privacy.
  • I have a right to grieve.
  • I have a right to talk about things that are important to me.
  • I have a right to be angry.
  • I have a right to express my needs.
  • I have a right to make noise, to laugh, and to cry out loud

TIPS FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

Some tips for strengthening boundary-setting skills are:

1. The things we say we can’t stand, don’t like or feel angry about may be areas screaming for boundaries.

2. When we know we need to set a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Avoid justifying, rationalizing or apologizing.

3. We cannot set a boundary (limit) and at the same time take care of another person’s feelings.

4. We will be tested when we set boundaries. Plan on it. It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary until we’re ready to enforce if. Often, the key to boundaries isn’t convincing other people we have limits – it’s convincing ourselves.

6. Be prepared to follow through by ensuring that our behavior matches the boundaries we set.  What we do needs to match what we say. Consequences and ultimatums are one  way to enforce boundaries.  We will set boundaries when we’re ready, and not a minute sooner. We do it on our own time, not someone else’s.

7. Healthy limits benefit everyone. People may not know they/re overstepping our boundaries-unless we fell them. People will respect people that they can’t use.

8. A support system can be helpful as we strive to establish and enforce boundaries. It can be valuable to have feedback about what’s normal and what our rights are. A cheering squad is very helpful as we strive to assert our rights.

9. There’s a fun side to boundary setting too. We get to identify what we like, what feels good, what we want, and what brings us pleasure. That’s when we begin to enhance the quality of our lives.

Healthy living means you give to people from time to time. Strive for balance. Strive for flexibility. Strive for a healthy sense of self and how you deserve to be treated.

– author unknown at this time –

The Five Freedoms
By Virginia Satir

1. TO SEE AND HEAR
What is here,
Instead of what should be,
Was, or will be

2. TO SAY
What one feels and thinks
Instead of what one should

3. TO FEEL
What one feels,
Instead of what one ought

4. TO ASK
For what one wants,
Instead of always waiting
For permission

5. TO TAKE RISKS
In one’s own behalf,
Instead of choosing to be
Only “secure”
And not rocking the boat

Assertiveness Handbook by Randy Paterson

When I Say No I Feel Guilty, by Manuel Smith. Going on 30 years old, but still one of the top sellers. A bit better on business relationships than personal ones. feelings of others.

Your Perfect Right, by Emmons and Alberti. Nice and chatty style, good on the beliefs that hold us back from being more assertive.

Asserting Your Self, by Bower and Bower. A nice, focussed book with an emphasis on making requests of others.

Messages by McKay Davis & Fanning (on general communication) – useful for people with limited social skills trying to learn the gamut of communication strategies from assertiveness to asking for a date.