From John Gottman “7 Principles that make marriage work”
First – what does not work: Signs of a marriage in trouble
- A harsh start up — leading off a discussion with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt. If your discussion begins with a harsh start up it will inevitably end on a negative note.
- The “four horsemen of the apocalypse” – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling strongly predict divorce.
- A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but criticism ups the ante by throwing in blame and general character assassination — “what’s wrong with you?”
- Contempt includes sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, eye rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. It is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you are disgusted with him or her. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict.
- Defensiveness rarely has the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You are saying in effect, “the problem is not me, it’s you”. Defensiveness just escalates the conflict.
- With stonewalling, eventually one partner tunes out. Rather than confronting his wife, the husband disengages. By turning away from her, he is avoiding a fight, but he is also avoiding his marriage. This is far more common among men. He tends to look away or down without uttering a sound.
- Usually people stonewall as protection against feeling flooded. You feel so defenseless against the sniper attack you learn to do anything to avoid a replay.
- Recurring episodes of flooding lead to divorce for two reasons. First they signal that at least one partner feels severe emotional distress. Second, the sensations of feeling flooded make it almost impossible to have a productive, problem solving discussion. Your ability to process information is reduced, meaning it’s harder to pay attention to what your partner is saying. When either partner begins to feel flooded routinely, the relationship is in serious trouble. Frequently feeling flooded leads almost inevitably to distancing yourself from your spouse. This in turn leads you to feel lonely.
- Failure of repair attempts (“let’s take a break”, “wait I need to calm down”) to put on the brakes so that flooding is prevented. When the four Horsemen rule the couples communication, repair attempts often do not even get noticed. In unhappy marriages, a feedback loop develops between the four Horsemen and the failure of repair attempt. The more contemptuous and defensive the couple is with each other, the more flooding occurs and the harder it is to hear and respond to a repair attempt.
- In a happy marriage couples tend to look back on the early days fondly. When a marriage is not going well, history gets rewritten – for the worse. Or the past is difficult to remember because it has become unimportant or painful.
What does work: the 7 principles Gottman discovered by observing successful couples
- Principle one: enhance your love maps – awareness of your partner’s life and experieinces. Check in with each other often, share lots.
- Principle two: nurture your fondness and admiration. Give messages of appreciation and affection. Focus on the good in your spouse.
- Principle three: turn towards each other instead of away. Make a habit of helping each other cope, turn to each other in times of stress, connect lots.
- Principle four: let your partner influence you. Yield in order to win. Accept influence. Choose “us” over “me”. Compromise.
- Principle five: solve your solvable problems. Do this by raising problems gently and respectfully, make and receive efforts to moderate conflict, sooth self and each other,
compromise and be tolerant of each other’s faults.
- Principle six: overcome gridlock on unsolvable problems (70% of marital problems never really go away). move from gridlock to dialogue. Learning to be able to talk about it without hurting each other. You learn to live with the problem. You first have to understand its cause. It is a sign that you have dreams for your life that are not being addressed or respected by each other.
- Principle seven: create shared meaning with shared goals, values, stories, symbols, rituals, and compatible roles in life.
Obviously there is much more to this than a checklist, and Gottman’s book includes many questionnaires for couples to use to study their relationship and identify problem areas along with practical exercises to increase the quality of the relationship using the 7 principles.
Summarized by Brian Grady PhD R.Psych.