I don’t agree with every one of these items, but there are some good ideas here if kept in perspective. – BG
YOU CAN TELL YOU’RE BEGINNING TO STRENGTHEN YOUR BOUNDARIES WHEN:
l. You act on feelings when you need to.
2. You can say no when you want to without experiencing tidal waves of guilt.
3. You generally do precisely what you want to do rather than depending on the suggestions of others.
4. You no longer blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in a relationship or friendship.
5. You no longer feel responsible for making a relationship work or making another person happy
6. You don’t take things personally. If a friend is inconsiderate or a partner has a wandering eye, you know the behaviour has to do with them and their history and has little or nothing to do with you.
7. You disagree with a friend and yet are able to maintain your friendship.
8. You realize you’re not responsible for the actions of another.
9. You become comfortable in receiving as well as giving.
TECHNIQUES FOR RECLAIMING YOUR SENSE OF IDENTITY
l. STAY WITH YOUR FEELING – Allow yourself to feel it fully. Remind yourself that it’s none of your business what the other person is feeling.
2. EXPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS – You have a right to express all your emotions. Say how you feel out loud. Share your feelings with others at every opportunity.
3. STATE YOUR PREFERENCES – “I’d rather eat at a different restaurant.” “I would prefer to take my own car.” This helps you to maintain clarity about your own choices and priorities.
4. SET LIMITS – “I can drive you to your class this week, but I can’t drive you every week.” “I love you, but I can’t come over tonight; I have to study.”
- These limits will help you give to others within healthy boundaries, so that you don’t overextend yourself.
- Don’t be afraid to disagree with someone. Acknowledge the other person’s opinion and restate your own. Don’t resort to pretending or accommodating in order to keep the peace.
- Talk about your own experience, such as how you handled such an incident, rather than how the other person ought to do it.
5. HAND THE PROBLEM BACK TO ITS ORIGINATOR: That’s a tough decision, but I’m sure you’ll be able to figure it out.
From the book: Don’t Fall Until You See The Whites of Their Lies by Cheryl Moore Barron