Marrying with doubts

This morning’s *USA Today* includes an article: “‘With this doubt, I
thee wed’: Some know marriage will fail” by Sharon Jayson.

Here are some excerpts:

[begin excerpts]

Tracie Donahue had some doubts before the wedding, but she got married,
anyway.

So did Crystal Neumann and Cherrie Rasmussen, who say they also ignored
the red flags and tied the knot, only to sever it later.

<snip>

Counselors and those who study dating, marriage and divorce say plenty
of couples get married when they shouldn’t.

And their numbers may be increasing, because more couples are casually
living together, which can complicate decisions about whether to marry,
says Scott Stanley, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family
Studies at the University of Denver.

Stanley says his research on couples who cohabit before marriage has
found that “some of those wouldn’t have married if they hadn’t been
living together.”

“People have committed themselves before talking about the commitment to
the future, and that can get you walking down the aisle not being sure
that’s the right thing, or what you want to do,” he says.

 

7 Principles that make marriage work

From John Gottman “7 Principles that make marriage work”

First – what does not work:  Signs of a marriage in trouble

• A harsh start up — leading off a discussion with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt.  If your discussion begins with a harsh start up it will inevitably end on a negative note.
• The “four horsemen of the apocalypse” – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling strongly predict divorce.
• A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but criticism ups the ante by throwing in blame and general character assassination — “what’s wrong with you?”
• Contempt includes sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, eye rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor.  It is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust.  It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you are disgusted with him or her.  Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict.
• Defensiveness rarely has the desired effect.  The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize.  This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.  You are saying in effect, “the problem is not me, it’s you”.  Defensiveness just escalates the conflict.
• With stonewalling, eventually one partner tunes out.  Rather than confronting his wife, the husband disengages.  By turning away from her, he is avoiding a fight, but he is also avoiding his marriage.  This is far more common among men.  He tends to look away or down without uttering a sound.
• Usually people stonewall as protection against feeling flooded.  You feel so defenseless against the sniper attack you learn to do anything to avoid a replay.
• Recurring episodes of flooding lead to divorce for two reasons.  First they signal that at least one partner feels severe emotional distress.  Second, the sensations of feeling flooded make it almost impossible to have a productive, problem solving discussion.  Your ability to process information is reduced, meaning it’s harder to pay attention to what your partner is saying.  When either partner begins to feel flooded routinely, the relationship is in serious trouble.  Frequently feeling flooded leads almost inevitably to distancing yourself from your spouse.  This in turn leads you to feel lonely.
• Failure of repair attempts (“let’s take a break”, “wait I need to calm down”) to put on the brakes so that flooding is prevented.  When the four Horsemen rule the couples communication, repair attempts often do not even get noticed.  In unhappy marriages, a feedback loop develops between the four Horsemen and the failure of repair attempt.  The more contemptuous and defensive the couple is with each other, the more flooding occurs and the harder it is to hear and respond to a repair attempt.
• In a happy marriage couples tend to look back on the early days fondly.  When a marriage is not going well, history gets rewritten – for the worse.  Or the past is difficult to remember because it has become unimportant or painful.

What does work: the 7 principles Gottman discovered by observing successful couples

• Principle one: enhance your love maps – awareness of your partner’s life and experieinces. Check in with each other often, share lots.
• Principle two: nurture your fondness and admiration. Give messages of appreciation and affection. Focus on the good in your spouse.
• Principle three: turn towards each other instead of away. Make a habit of helping each other cope, turn to each other in times of stress, connect lots.
• Principle four: let your partner influence you. Yield in order to win. Accept influence. Choose “us” over “me”. Compromise.
• Principle five: solve your solvable problems. Do this by raising problems gently and respectfully, make and receive efforts to moderate conflict, sooth self and each other,
  compromise and be tolerant of each other’s faults.
• Principle six: overcome gridlock on unsolvable problems (70% of marital problems never really go away). move from gridlock to dialogue.  Learning to be able to talk about it without hurting each other.  You learn to live with the problem.  You first have to understand its cause.  It is a sign that you have dreams for your life that are not being addressed or respected by each other.
• Principle seven: create shared meaning with shared goals, values, stories, symbols, rituals, and compatible roles in life.

Obviously there is much more to this than a checklist, and Gottman’s book includes many questionnaires for couples to use to study their relationship and identify problem areas along with practical exercises to increase the quality of the relationship using the 7 principles.

Summarized by Brian Grady PhD R.Psych.

 

Sexless marriages

The *Jerusalem Post* includes an article: “Psychologically Speaking:  Sexless marriages” by Dr. Batya L. Ludman.

The author note states: “The writer is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Ra’anana.”

Here are some excerpts:

[begin excerpts]

I’m often asked what the typical frequency of sexual intimacy is, but
given that every couple has their own set of experiences and stressors,
rather than give an answer, I generally prefer to explore that person’s
satisfaction within their relationship.

Often, but not always, the relationship in the bedroom is a reflection
of other issues within the marriage.

Sexless marriages, or marriages with sexual intimacy less than 10 times
a year, are found in couples of all ages and are far more common than
one might think.

Many couples increasingly opt for “platonic” relationships as life’s
stressors relegate sexual intimacy to the bottom of the “to do” list.

Many couples have not been intimate for months and some for years.

Whether by choice or not, many prefer to suffer in silence rather than
risk asking just what went wrong and determining what they can do to
change it.

Why do relationships reach an impasse and what can be done to change it?

Take a minute to scan this checklist to see if your relationship suffers
from any of the following:

 

Lightness – poem

Lightness

It was your lightness that drew me,
the lightness of your talk and your laughter,
the lightness of your cheek in my hands,
your sweet gentle modest lightness;
and it is the lightness of your kiss
that is starving my mouth,
and the lightness of your embrace
that will let me go adrift.

Meg Bateman

 

Healthy emotional boundaries – links to learn more

Emotional Boundaries

A successful relationship is composed of two individuals each with a clearly defined sense of her or his own identity, our emotional boundaries …
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Articles/boundaries.htm – 25k -

Boundaries Introduction

Boundaries. What are They — Why do I Need Them. Enforcing appropriate boundaries is the single most powerful thing that you can do unilaterally to improve …
www.bpd411.org/boundariesintro.html – 14k -

Developing Healthy Boundaries – Maggie Down, Counsellor …

Cottesloe Counselling Centre in Perth, Western Australia. Counselling and psychotherapy for those experiencing personal, relationship and work related …
www.cottesloecounselling.com.au/developing_healthy_boundaries.html – 20k -

Relationship Advice for Healthy Boundaries

Helpful relationship advice and resources for improving boundaries and restoring relationships. Links to resources to help with relationship difficulties …
www.healthyboundaries.com/ – 18k -

Forgiveness

A successful relationship is composed of two individuals each with a clearly defined sense of her or his own identity. Without our own understanding of self …
www.drbalternatives.com/articles/si7.html – 21k -

Boundaries & Relationships – Communication – Relationships …

Where do you end and others begin? Do you believe that others are responsible for your feelings and behaviors and vice versa?
www.familyresource.com/relationships/communication/boundaries-and-relationships – 25k -

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships – John Cloud, PhD

1 Nov 2008 … For those who are starting to venture out, here are some guidelines; they may save you some pain. The fact is that there are probably …
www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a114.htm – 34k -

Boundaries Essential to Healthy Relationships | Santa Monica & Los …

What are boundaries and how do they help relationships, how do they help us in everyday life. Licia Ginne, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist …
www.latherapists.com/articles_boundaries.html – 21k -

What Are Boundaries and Why are They Important?

If your life is filled with more of what you don’t want and not enough of what you do want, it’s time to set your boundaries. …
ezinearticles.com/?What-Are-Boundaries-and-Why-are-They-Important?&id=124319 – 49k -

Relationship Deal Breakers – Non Negotiable Boundaries

How many relationship deal breakers do you have on your list? Do you even have a relationship deal breaker list? What about your now-dating teenage ch.
www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2008/01/relationship-deal-breakers-non-negotiable-boundaries.html – 78k

Setting Boundaries in Relationships

Setting Boundaries in Relationships By Judy H. Wright Platinum Quality Author. Judy H. Wright Level: Platinum Judy is a parent educator, family coach, …
ezinearticles.com/?Setting-Boundaries-in-Relationships&id=212273 – 50k -

Boundaries

Telling all. I consider the other person’s level of interest and caring before opening up to them. Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting. …
www.howard.edu/services/counseling/Boundaries.htm – 25k -

Boundaries: Respect in Relationships by D. Scott Miller -Youth …

Teens can help foster healthy relationships by placing boundaries on their emotions, time, privacy and bodies.
www.americancatholic.org/newsletters/yu/ay0903.asp – 47k -

Establish Boundaries That Honor You.

Boundaries are imaginary lines that help you protect yourself both physically and emotionally. They keep other’s actions and behaviors from hurting, …
www.mommd.com/settingboundaries.shtml – 32k -

About Boundaries

18 Sep 2004 … Thoughts on personal boundaries, healthy and unhealthy personal relationships and about the power of healthy boundaries.
www.ybrt.org/bounder.html – 23k

Relationships : A Checklist on Boundaries in a Relationship

Heathly boundaries allow a person to experience comfortable interdependence with other people, resulting in generally functioning relationships and positive …
www.yourpotential.net/3/5/A_Checklist_on_Boundaries_in_a_Relationship.html – 24k -

What are boundaries?

www.adfam.org.uk/pdf/adfam_setting_and_keeping_boundaries.pdf

What Are Boundaries? – Archive – parenting.org

As an adult, you should be familiar with the concept of boundaries. Boundaries are the limits you set for relationships. They help you to recognize what is …
www.parenting.org/archive/tween/life_lessons/2003/Sep03_boundaries.asp – 22k -

Setting Healthy Boundaries: How to Say No, Yes, and Never – And …
behavioural-psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/setting_healthy_boundaries – 38k –

 

Time out technique for conflict reduction

THE TIME OUT

The “Time-Out” is a simple yet effective tool for changing angry violent and abusive behavior. The intention of the time out is not to offer long term solutions to conflict and anger problems. This tool is simply intended to offer a short term alternative to behavior that is no longer desirable.

The “Time-Out” is a technique that requires practice and commitment. Initial obstacles to taking a “Time-Out” may not be foreseen and so it is sometimes recommended that a practice “Time-Out” should take place before a real one is necessary.

There are four steps to the “Time-Out”

l. Identify that you are escalating to the point where you need to get out of the situation. Use the “cues” or red flags to help you get in touch with physical, emotional and situational cues that may help you to know where you are at with your anger.

2. Decide to take the time out before you become intimidating, threatening or physically abusive. Indicate to the other person/s that you are leaving. Do not make any long speeches at this point; simply say that you are taking a “Time-Out”. (Make sure that you have informed others about the “Time-Out” in advance.

3. Leave where you are and go outside. Do not simply go to another room of the house or workplace. It is important that you physically leave the site of the conflict. Don’t get “hooked” into staying in the conflict. Take one hour to calm down before coming back. lf you need longer, let the other person know this. Don’t “stomp out”!

4. Return and decide together whether or not to return to the discussion or issue that took place before you left.

DO	DO NOT
Think of other things	Drink/use drugs
Walk, cycle, run, etc.	Drive/ talk to unhealthy people
Talk to a positive support	Hit or strike anything
Come back in one hour	Rehearse the argument

Courtesy of Arla Sinclair Counselling

 

A communication tool for checking in with others

P. I. T. Communication Tool

P. I. T. can best be described as a check -in communication method or tool that can be used with anyone who is willing to use it with you – partner, spouse, co-workers, children, team-mates.

What does PIT stand for?

P = Personal = what is going on for me, issues, feelings

I = Interpersonal = what is happening between us, what I might want or need, or what is happening with me in relation to the group

T = Task = what are the tasks I/we are working on, or need doing  and how I think we are doing on our tasks as a couple or as a group.

HOW YOU USE PIT

Each person shares one part alternately or for a quicker version each person shares all three parts at once while the other person just listens.

PIT RULES

1.      There is no dialogue or comments made during P.I.T. by the person who is listening. Listening involves really hearing what the other is saying and being a witness to them.

2.      No one is to interrupt the other while doing P.I.T.

3.      Any emotion can be shared while doing P.I.T.

4.      Any discussion or issues that arise during P.I.T. are to be discussed after completion of P.I.T. Ideally one can seek agreement to bring up issues after P.I.T. and time can be set aside to do so.

5.      P.I.T. is about what’s going on right now, keep it in the present.

—

Courtesy of Arla Sinclair Counselling Solutions adapted from J . Sellner

 

Boundaries and rights

BOUNDARIES AND RIGHTS

• I have a right to be treated with dignity and respect.
• I have a right to have and express all my feelings.
• I have a right to take care of myself first if I choose to.
• I have a right to be listened to and taken seriously.
• I have a right to make mistakes.
• I have a right to say NO! I do not need to justify myself or give reasons.
• I have a right to say NO without feeling guilty.
• I have a right to say NO to anything I feel I am not ready for.
• I have a right to say NO to anything that violates my values.
• I have a right to say NO to anything that I feel is unsafe.
• I have a right to terminate conversations – because I want to – when I feel humiliated or put down.
• I have a right to choose who to spend my time with.
• I have a right to play and have fun.
• I have a right to set limits for myself
• I have a right to make my own choices and decisions.
• I have a right to choose my own spiritual beliefs.
• I have a right to physical and emotional privacy.
• I have a right to grieve.
• I have a right to talk about things that are important to me.
• I have a right to be angry.
• I have a right to express my needs.
• I have a right to make noise, to laugh, and to cry out loud

 

Tips for setting boundaries

TIPS FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

Some tips for strengthening boundary-setting skills are:

1. The things we say we can’t stand, don’t like or feel angry about may be areas screaming for boundaries.

2. When we know we need to set a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Avoid justifying, rationalizing or apologizing.

3. We cannot set a boundary (limit) and at the same time take care of another person’s feelings.

4. We will be tested when we set boundaries. Plan on it. It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary until we’re ready to enforce if. Often, the key to boundaries isn’t convincing other people we have limits – it’s convincing ourselves.

6. Be prepared to follow through by ensuring that our behavior matches the boundaries we set.  What we do needs to match what we say. Consequences and ultimatums are one  way to enforce boundaries.  We will set boundaries when we’re ready, and not a minute sooner. We do it on our own time, not someone else’s.

7. Healthy limits benefit everyone. People may not know they/re overstepping our boundaries-unless we fell them. People will respect people that they can’t use.

8. A support system can be helpful as we strive to establish and enforce boundaries. It can be valuable to have feedback about what’s normal and what our rights are. A cheering squad is very helpful as we strive to assert our rights.

9. There’s a fun side to boundary setting too. We get to identify what we like, what feels good, what we want, and what brings us pleasure. That’s when we begin to enhance the quality of our lives.

Healthy living means you give to people from time to time. Strive for balance. Strive for flexibility. Strive for a healthy sense of self and how you deserve to be treated.

- author unknown at this time -

 

Unrealistic marital expectations

Some thoughts on what expectations are unrealistic and create dissatisfaction in marriage, according to Janis Spring

——————–

Unrealistic expectations

Unrealistic expectations, not your partner, may be responsible for your dissatisfaction. These expectations include:

“My partner and I should feel a deep, unspoken bond at all times”.

“My partner should be able to anticipate my needs.”

“I shouldn’t have to work for love.”

“I shouldn’t have to work to be trusted.”

“I deserve to be loved.”

“Chemistry is either right or wrong.”

“My partner should love me unconditionally.”

“My partner should be emotionally available to me whenever I need him or her.”

“Love is a feeling that can’t be forced or manufactured. It either exists or it doesn’t”

“A good marriage is free of conflict.”

“If I’m not happy in my relationship, it’s my partner’s fault.”

“We shouldn’t have to work at feeling sexual desire for each other; it should come naturally or not at all.”

“When passion dies, so does the relationship.”

Think through these ideas about love, by yourself and  others, and ask yourself which  ones you believe in, and how realistic and useful they are for you. You may brush them off as the half-baked assumptions of people less sophisticated or perceptive than you, but don’t be fooled. Some of them are likely to lie behind your discontent.

It’s not easy to gauge exactly how much of your unhappiness is due- to unrealistic expectations (in which case you need to change), and how much to your partner’s inability to satisfy your basic needs (in which case your partner needs to change). This is a complex thing to work out.

From AFTER THE AFFAIR by  Janis Spring, 1997